For Jacom
When we met, I was broken,
Frustrated with hearts being
No more than a token that was
Thrown around and wasted.
I was afraid to fall.
Afraid to trust, afraid to hurt, but all of that
Was nothing compared
To how afraid I was to hurt you.
You came, perfect, smiling
Slipped your love-dagger in so silently I
Didn't know I was dying
You knew just what I needed
You'd wait for cues,
We took it slow
But what I couldn't guess
I'd never know
Is that you'd build my walls
Not break them
Not dispell my fears,
But make them
These walls loom over me
Between me and you
The love that I hoped would be
Keeps getting farther from the truth
With every time that I fall
It gets harder to get up
I want so badly to believe
But these walls are here,
Protecting me
I trusted and I hoped
That you would break my walls down
But you built them up
Bricked up the door I had opened for you
And now you're standing there
Wondering where it went
Because it only took a second for me to change
You didn't realize when your labors were spent
The lights I left
In my windows
They're all blown out
Where did they go?
A cold gust cuts my bones
I feel so alone.
These walls loom over me
Between me and you
The love that I hoped would be
Keeps getting farther from the truth
With every time that I fall
It gets harder to get up
I want so badly to believe
But these walls are here,
Protecting me.
Protecting me.
I'm not one to judge
If the walls are wrong
'Cause they're stronger than
The ground I'm standing on
I push towards you,
And they push back and then
Convince me that
It won't do to love ever again
These walls loom over me
Between me and you
The love that I hoped would be
Keeps getting farther from the truth
With every time that I fall
It gets harder to get up
I want so badly to believe
But these walls are here,
Protecting me.
Protecting me.
From you.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Jacom
Okay, so this one isn't quite a song/poem yet. It's just a rant with some fun imagery. It'll be a song/poem eventually though.
When I came to you, I was broken. I was afraid to fall, to trust. I was afraid to hurt, but I was even more afraid to hurt you.
You got into my heart slowly, like a dagger, but less painful. We waited a long time. We took it slow. I wasn't sure about you, but you acted so cute; I heard that you liked me, and what girl doesn't get a thrill at that?
I had just decided to let you in, to have faith that love could work even though I didn't really believe it, to try and hold your heart and keep it safe. But just when I was at my weakest, though my weakest was still stronger than most people's strong, I found out about you. I was trusting, and you made me believe. But I didn't know you as well as I thought, and rather than breaking my walls down you built them higher, you bricked in the door I had opened to let you in.
Now you stand outside, wondering where that door went, why the warm candles in my windows had flickered and died, because you didn't realize that you were blowing them out. So I stand in the darkness, unable to make you see what you've done, no light to illuminate it.
I want to let you back in, but the walls warn me against it, they force me to stay in. I'm not as strong as the walls. You didn't do anything very strong in the real world, I should be able to forgive you. But your actions in the real world affected my inside world and the walls aren't as forgiving as I am. Don't blame them, they're just trying to protect me. I am not one to judge if they're wrong or not.
If I wasn't me, I could forgive you. If I hadn't already had walls, there wouldn't be as much for you to climb over now. But even now, you could climb the walls, could make me believe again, by fighting for me. But you won't. You'll get frustrated. You'll be more angry that things didn't work for you than that you damaged me, especially because I don't look hurt. You'll go away angry, and all I'll have to remember you by is a bricked-up door and a short, golden hallway of fading memories.
When I came to you, I was broken. I was afraid to fall, to trust. I was afraid to hurt, but I was even more afraid to hurt you.
You got into my heart slowly, like a dagger, but less painful. We waited a long time. We took it slow. I wasn't sure about you, but you acted so cute; I heard that you liked me, and what girl doesn't get a thrill at that?
I had just decided to let you in, to have faith that love could work even though I didn't really believe it, to try and hold your heart and keep it safe. But just when I was at my weakest, though my weakest was still stronger than most people's strong, I found out about you. I was trusting, and you made me believe. But I didn't know you as well as I thought, and rather than breaking my walls down you built them higher, you bricked in the door I had opened to let you in.
Now you stand outside, wondering where that door went, why the warm candles in my windows had flickered and died, because you didn't realize that you were blowing them out. So I stand in the darkness, unable to make you see what you've done, no light to illuminate it.
I want to let you back in, but the walls warn me against it, they force me to stay in. I'm not as strong as the walls. You didn't do anything very strong in the real world, I should be able to forgive you. But your actions in the real world affected my inside world and the walls aren't as forgiving as I am. Don't blame them, they're just trying to protect me. I am not one to judge if they're wrong or not.
If I wasn't me, I could forgive you. If I hadn't already had walls, there wouldn't be as much for you to climb over now. But even now, you could climb the walls, could make me believe again, by fighting for me. But you won't. You'll get frustrated. You'll be more angry that things didn't work for you than that you damaged me, especially because I don't look hurt. You'll go away angry, and all I'll have to remember you by is a bricked-up door and a short, golden hallway of fading memories.
Monday, April 18, 2011
No Escape
Written sometime in March '11, I think.
Yay for depressing-ness! ;)
No Escape
She's in her bedroom
Tryin' to drown out the sound
Of her angry parents
Shouting each other out
She has a world where
Everything's okay
But it's a place
She can't manage to stay
'Cause even though she says
She is lost in her dreams
In a world where all
Is not quite as it seems
She's painfully aware of her reality,
Believing in dreams,
More a lie and formality
Because there is no escape, not in dreams.
She sees his girlfriend.
She's perfect for sure
But all that she wishes
Is that he'd look at her
She could dance with Prince Charming
Along in her dreams
But deep down she knows
She's falling out at the seams
'Cause even though she says
She is lost in her dreams
In a world where all
Is not quite as it seems
She's painfully aware of her reality,
Believing in dreams,
More a lie and formality
Because there is no escape, not in dreams.
LIfe can be beautiful
But it isn't always
We've all seen the clouds
Wished for better days.
But her last fortress
Is crumbling away
While she frantically fights
To make it stay
'Cause even though she says
She is lost in her dreams
In a world where all
Is not quite as it seems
She's painfully aware of her reality,
Believing in dreams,
More a lie and formality
Because there is no escape, not in dreams.
You'd never know it
Looking at her
In the rush of life,
She gets caught in the blur
But if you look closely,
I think that you'd find
That all her dreams left her
Are tears in her eyes.
There is no escape, not in dreams.
Yay for depressing-ness! ;)
No Escape
She's in her bedroom
Tryin' to drown out the sound
Of her angry parents
Shouting each other out
She has a world where
Everything's okay
But it's a place
She can't manage to stay
'Cause even though she says
She is lost in her dreams
In a world where all
Is not quite as it seems
She's painfully aware of her reality,
Believing in dreams,
More a lie and formality
Because there is no escape, not in dreams.
She sees his girlfriend.
She's perfect for sure
But all that she wishes
Is that he'd look at her
She could dance with Prince Charming
Along in her dreams
But deep down she knows
She's falling out at the seams
'Cause even though she says
She is lost in her dreams
In a world where all
Is not quite as it seems
She's painfully aware of her reality,
Believing in dreams,
More a lie and formality
Because there is no escape, not in dreams.
LIfe can be beautiful
But it isn't always
We've all seen the clouds
Wished for better days.
But her last fortress
Is crumbling away
While she frantically fights
To make it stay
'Cause even though she says
She is lost in her dreams
In a world where all
Is not quite as it seems
She's painfully aware of her reality,
Believing in dreams,
More a lie and formality
Because there is no escape, not in dreams.
You'd never know it
Looking at her
In the rush of life,
She gets caught in the blur
But if you look closely,
I think that you'd find
That all her dreams left her
Are tears in her eyes.
There is no escape, not in dreams.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I Can't Believe
Written 7/8 of Jan 2011
I Can't Believe
After all that you have done,
I can’t believe that you could care.
It’s not that I don’t want it,
I want nothing else.
And it seems that this relationship
Is the one making you jealous.
Three years I spent, fighting for you,
Being ignored, and wishing you would care.
So forgive me if it’s hard to believe
That you were there
All along.
It’s all that I could wish for,
It would be a dream come true.
But baby, I just can’t believe it
After all you’ve put me through.
You could have had me at your slightest word,
Which you know full well.
So if you loved me all this time,
Why would you never tell?
It doesn’t make any sense.
Which leaves me with only one choice.
After all of your denial, I have to ask myself why
I was almost tricked by a desirable, beautiful lie.
I want to believe it,
Trust me darling, I do.
I’ve tried to be with other guys,
But the only one I see is you.
But time after time
I fell and you didn’t catch me.
So forgive me if I’m less likely to believe.
I would drown in sadness until you cared,
But you’re fine with watching me suffer.
It’s all that I could wish for,
It would be a dream come true.
But baby, I just can’t believe it
After all you’ve put me through.
You could have had me at your slightest word,
Which you know full well.
So if you loved me all this time,
Why would you never tell?
It doesn’t make any sense.
Which leaves me with only one choice.
After all of your denial, I have to ask myself why
I was almost tricked by a desirable, beautiful lie.
Forgive me for liking you too much,
And I’ll forgive you for not liking me enough.
Forgive me for the way I notice you,
And I’ll forgive you for never noticing me.
Forgive me for being weak,
And I’ll forgive you for taking advantage of it.
Forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I’ll forgive you for never holding on.
It’s all that I could wish for,
It would be a dream come true.
But baby, I just can’t believe it
After all you’ve put me through.
You could have had me at your slightest word,
Which you know full well.
So if you loved me all this time,
Why would you never tell?
It doesn’t make any sense,
Which leaves me with only one choice.
After all of your denial, I have to ask myself why
I was almost tricked by a desirable, beautiful lie.
After all that you have done,
I wish I could believe that you care.
I Can't Believe
After all that you have done,
I can’t believe that you could care.
It’s not that I don’t want it,
I want nothing else.
And it seems that this relationship
Is the one making you jealous.
Three years I spent, fighting for you,
Being ignored, and wishing you would care.
So forgive me if it’s hard to believe
That you were there
All along.
It’s all that I could wish for,
It would be a dream come true.
But baby, I just can’t believe it
After all you’ve put me through.
You could have had me at your slightest word,
Which you know full well.
So if you loved me all this time,
Why would you never tell?
It doesn’t make any sense.
Which leaves me with only one choice.
After all of your denial, I have to ask myself why
I was almost tricked by a desirable, beautiful lie.
I want to believe it,
Trust me darling, I do.
I’ve tried to be with other guys,
But the only one I see is you.
But time after time
I fell and you didn’t catch me.
So forgive me if I’m less likely to believe.
I would drown in sadness until you cared,
But you’re fine with watching me suffer.
It’s all that I could wish for,
It would be a dream come true.
But baby, I just can’t believe it
After all you’ve put me through.
You could have had me at your slightest word,
Which you know full well.
So if you loved me all this time,
Why would you never tell?
It doesn’t make any sense.
Which leaves me with only one choice.
After all of your denial, I have to ask myself why
I was almost tricked by a desirable, beautiful lie.
Forgive me for liking you too much,
And I’ll forgive you for not liking me enough.
Forgive me for the way I notice you,
And I’ll forgive you for never noticing me.
Forgive me for being weak,
And I’ll forgive you for taking advantage of it.
Forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I’ll forgive you for never holding on.
It’s all that I could wish for,
It would be a dream come true.
But baby, I just can’t believe it
After all you’ve put me through.
You could have had me at your slightest word,
Which you know full well.
So if you loved me all this time,
Why would you never tell?
It doesn’t make any sense,
Which leaves me with only one choice.
After all of your denial, I have to ask myself why
I was almost tricked by a desirable, beautiful lie.
After all that you have done,
I wish I could believe that you care.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Excerpts from Lyonism: Graphic Novella ;)
Here's some stuff I did with my friend and wifey Haley Hanzawa for an english/art project. Enjoy :D
(Note: If you click on the pictures, they'll open bigger so you can read them.)
(Note: If you click on the pictures, they'll open bigger so you can read them.)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Nazi
This one was written 18/19th dec 2010.
Nazi
Blonde hair, blue eyes
The symbol of the aryan race.
Masked and smoldering eyes
Stare from your perfect face.
I'm powerless under your rule,
I'm melded by your fist.
For you I'd do anything,
I'd take any risk.
I protect you from every harm
That's in my power to prevent.
And when you have a problem,
I listen to you vent.
Yet I have so little control
Over my own life;
I'm marching to the beat of your drum,
I'm dancing to your fife.
From me you want perfection—
From you so hypocritical.
You always have to be the center of attention,
For you it's just so critical.
You need the eyes of everyone just to feel seen.
You feel the need to rule my heart like a Nazi.
It's a kind of communism,
I give you all I have
Then you decide what I need,
Giving almost nothing back.
I never get any love from you,
That's just not your M.O.
And yet you scare everyone else away,
Leaving me alone.
You make me ashamed of wanting anything more,
A roller coaster of a guilt trip.
I wish your perfect mask would fade,
Your "innocent" facade slip.
Let your mask fade,
Let them see you for what you are.
Under your white perfection,
I bet you're black and scarred.
You break the heart of every girl
That you come across,
Because in your quest, your search for perfection,
You know that you've lost.
Nazi
Blonde hair, blue eyes
The symbol of the aryan race.
Masked and smoldering eyes
Stare from your perfect face.
I'm powerless under your rule,
I'm melded by your fist.
For you I'd do anything,
I'd take any risk.
I protect you from every harm
That's in my power to prevent.
And when you have a problem,
I listen to you vent.
Yet I have so little control
Over my own life;
I'm marching to the beat of your drum,
I'm dancing to your fife.
From me you want perfection—
From you so hypocritical.
You always have to be the center of attention,
For you it's just so critical.
You need the eyes of everyone just to feel seen.
You feel the need to rule my heart like a Nazi.
It's a kind of communism,
I give you all I have
Then you decide what I need,
Giving almost nothing back.
I never get any love from you,
That's just not your M.O.
And yet you scare everyone else away,
Leaving me alone.
You make me ashamed of wanting anything more,
A roller coaster of a guilt trip.
I wish your perfect mask would fade,
Your "innocent" facade slip.
Let your mask fade,
Let them see you for what you are.
Under your white perfection,
I bet you're black and scarred.
You break the heart of every girl
That you come across,
Because in your quest, your search for perfection,
You know that you've lost.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Chandler's Song
We pass each other in the hall,
You look my way, I fake a smile.
Same routine, same old game.
I get a "hey", then you walk by.
When I need you, you're there,
And yet despite it all, you can's see what we share.
How can you see me, yet not see?
If you call, I'm by your side.
I'm the only one who's seen you cry.
I want to tell you, make you see,
But I'm afraid of what you'll think when you see me for me,
A lonely girl who wants nothing more than you.
Can you think how much it hurts that before we've even started we're through?
I drive through nowhere, to the small town soon to be my home.
I say home, because "home is where the heart is", and baby my heart is with you.
I don't know why, it doesn't make sense.
Love comes of itself, and my heart breaks when I see how you don't care.
At first you drove me crazy, a jerk who would not set me free.
But at least freedom was a solution, despite the impossibility.
Now I know you, feel your pain.
I love you for so much more, and yet still in vain.
I played my part to well, I think, I almost bought my own facade.
But if you look beneath the smile, you'd see the love, you'd see the pain.
I've tried everything to get you to notice, but you're deaf and blind.
I pay all my attention to you, but do you even mind?
I would give you everything I had to give,
Yet you won't give me the air I need to live.
Can't you see it in my eyes?
Well, honey, here's a friendly warning: What you break, you buy.
You look my way, I fake a smile.
Same routine, same old game.
I get a "hey", then you walk by.
When I need you, you're there,
And yet despite it all, you can's see what we share.
How can you see me, yet not see?
If you call, I'm by your side.
I'm the only one who's seen you cry.
I want to tell you, make you see,
But I'm afraid of what you'll think when you see me for me,
A lonely girl who wants nothing more than you.
Can you think how much it hurts that before we've even started we're through?
I drive through nowhere, to the small town soon to be my home.
I say home, because "home is where the heart is", and baby my heart is with you.
I don't know why, it doesn't make sense.
Love comes of itself, and my heart breaks when I see how you don't care.
At first you drove me crazy, a jerk who would not set me free.
But at least freedom was a solution, despite the impossibility.
Now I know you, feel your pain.
I love you for so much more, and yet still in vain.
I played my part to well, I think, I almost bought my own facade.
But if you look beneath the smile, you'd see the love, you'd see the pain.
I've tried everything to get you to notice, but you're deaf and blind.
I pay all my attention to you, but do you even mind?
I would give you everything I had to give,
Yet you won't give me the air I need to live.
Can't you see it in my eyes?
Well, honey, here's a friendly warning: What you break, you buy.
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